May 3, 2016

Grief Into Action: Nelly Strong Foundation, Inc.

Just five months after Nelly Eaton left this world, her parents, surrounded by an incredibly supportive circle of friends and family have formed the Nelly Strong Foundation, Inc. 501(c)3. The Foundation's mission is: Maintaining a positive attitude for life while offering different alternatives to maintain a quality of life.

Fueled by Nelly's vivacious, courageous and caring spirit, along with her own wishes written in her journal before she died, the Foundation vows to carry out her bucket list and more, with events planned to raise awareness and education about alternative treatments, provide treatments to those that need them and multiple efforts to give back to the community - essentially bringing our community back together for years to come.

I was joined on this week's episode by Nelly's mom, Laura Eaton, who serves as President of the board and Jeffrey Swagger, Chairman of the board and owner of Phoenix Marketing in Fall River. This newly formed foundation has so many exciting things planned! I will list upcoming events below, but please listen to the podcast for the full conversation with Laura and Jeff about how the Foundation was formed and some great discussion about the benefits of Cannabis Oil (CBD)

CLICK HERE to listen to the podcast, dated 4/28/2016

To learn more about Nelly's story, CLICK HERE to read and listen to my first interview with Laura and her husband Josh, back in December.

Tomorrow kicks off the Foundation's first annual Project Princess - an initiative inspired by Nelly's love for the excitement surrounding prom (this year would have been her senior year) and her "fashionista" status. Thanks to the donations from the community and local businesses like Gilda's Bridal and Party Dress Express, over 300 prom dresses will be given to local high school seniors for this year's prom. Fall River's Rob Roy Academy Hair and Beauty School is joining the cause and will be providing beautiful prom hairstyling at very low prices for the participants and one lucky girl will be fully sponsored.

May 14th Team Nelly will be taking part in Fall River's City-wide Clean-Up, focusing on Maplewood Park Area. Anyone interested in joining can meet at the Government Center at 8:30AM. Feel free to wear Nelly gear if you have it or rock her colors, yellow and purple. Either way, you will easily be able to find Team Nelly!

On June 25th there will be a Wiffle Ball Tournament at Jerry Remy's Green Monster

Mayor Jasiel F. Correia will be declaring a day in July to be Nelly Day! On this day, the Nelly Strong Foundation hopes to hold numerous fundraisers and events throughout the city. The most exciting of which is that they plan to break the Guiness Book World Record for Mass Participation Crowd of Angels. Right now, the record to beat is 1,049 people and the plan is to gather everyone dressed as angels in front of our city's iconic St. Anne's Church. We got this, Fall River!!

Also planned for July is a softball tournament for the 23rd-24th and we at Silva-Faria Funeral Homes will be holding an outdoor Vendor Fair and Silent Auction Fundraiser for the Nelly Strong Foundation on July 23rd. Interested vendors and donors for the auction can contact me at amy@thesilvalining.org

I will keep you updated here on any events as they happen as well as the launch of the Foundation's website. There will also be a Savers Donation Drive happening soon, so as you all start that spring cleaning, put some stuff aside for a good cause and I'll keep you posted when that will take place. If you are on facebook, here is the Pray For Nelly official page for updates from the Foundation directly. They are also on twitter @teamnellystrong

Nelly is smiling down for sure, knowing how much love, support and energy is coming together, making so many wonderful things happen.

The Silva Lining is thankful for our wonderful sponsor, St. Anthony of Padua Credit Union. We are proud to be sponsored by such an incredible bank, that in an age of conglomerate banks treating people like numbers, maintains a relationship with its members based on trust, friendly service and loyalty. With competitive rates for savings accounts and various loans, St. Anthony of Padua can handle all of your financial needs. Convenient online banking and more information at www.stanthonyofpaduafcu.com

April 21, 2016

Three Dapper Directors

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

On this week’s episode of The Silva Lining, I held my second Funeral Director Round Table. I’ve never met a funeral director that I wasn’t intrigued and inspired by. Those of us called to this profession are truly some of the most genuine, unique, compassionate and people on the planet. Being in the profession myself, I get to meet my fellow colleagues on multiple occasions. With this show, podcast and blog, I’d love to share with you some incredible funeral directors - hoping to inspire you as well. Get to know your local funeral directors. Everything meaningful in life centers around relationships. Why not take the time to build that relationship well before you need to?

My guests on this panel were Jeffrey Bernardo, J.J. Duffy Funeral Home, Cumberland, RI; Andrew Correia, Cranston-Murphy Funeral Home of Wickford, RI and J.H. Williams & Co. Funeral Home, East Providence, RI; and Larry Quintal, Silva Funeral Home, Taunton, MA - (this beautiful funeral home is run by my cousins, a branch of the family that also dates back to my great great grandfather, Mariano J. Silva)

CLICK HERE to listen to the podcast dated 4/14/2016

Now, on to the dapper…

I had to use that term in the title for many reasons, besides the obvious fact that these three suited gentlemen were a very handsome lot (and I’m still kicking myself for forgetting to take a picture). Something was mentioned during the show and also in the first Round Table - a theme if you will - about the evolving role and perception of the funeral director. The visual I had in the studio joined by these three dapper men brought it all together for me. We are not your grand daddy’s undertaker and the suit says it all. Instead of an essence of The Addams Family, these three dapper men exuded a vibe in the studio more akin to Ocean’s Eleven. The funeral directors of today, men and women alike, suited up, represent integrity, sincerity, pride and service, not the old stereotype of morbid silent and macabre.

We had a lively conversation about our thoughts on this changing industry, achieving work/life balance, and my favorite - sharing the different reasons they were each “called” into the profession.

So don’t be shy, if you find yourself in a social gathering with a funeral director, say hello! You’ll be glad you did. There might be some incredible conversation, questions answered and a relationship started that might become the foundation of a very meaningful bond that will guide you through a difficult time in the gentlest way possible.

Upcoming episodes:

April 28th - Laura Eaton, President of the newly formed Nelly Strong Foundation, Inc. will be discussing all of the incredible events coming our way to bring this community together while providing natural and alternative remedies for those in need.

May 5th - I'll get Morbidly Legal with Atty. Steven Sabra

The Silva Lining would like to thank our wonderful sponsor,

St. Anthony of Padua Credit Union - We are proud to be sponsored by such an incredible bank, that in an age of conglomerate banks treating people like numbers, maintains a relationship with its members based on trust, friendly service and loyalty. With competitive rates for savings accounts and various loans, St. Anthony of Padua can handle all of your financial needs. Convenient online banking and more information at www.stanthonyofpaduafcu.com

April 8, 2016

Enhancing Love and Transforming Grief with SARK

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

The important relationship between love and grief has come up many times on The Silva Lining. Without love, we would not grieve as profoundly as we do, and without grief, we would not love as strongly as we do – because we all know that our time on this earth is limited. My incredible guest on this week's episode of The Silva Lining is an author who has joined me to discuss two books she has written about grief and love.

SARK (Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy) is a best-selling author and artist, with sixteen titles in print and well over two million books sold. She is here today to discuss her two most recent books; Succulent Wild Love, which she co-authored with the late Dr. John Waddell and Glad No Matter What: Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity. She is also the founder and Creative Fountain of Planet SARK, a thriving business that creates innovative products and services to support empowered living. SARK lives and creates gladly in San Francisco, CA.

I started reading SARK's books when I was 19 years old and can honestly say that she, through her words and art, is truly an integral part of who I am as a self-acclaimed Succulent Wild Woman, wife, mother, creative spirit and funeral director. Everything came full circle when I discovered that she had written Glad No Matter What. After literally inhaling it in two days, I took a chance and sent her a message. I asked, she answered, and here we are.

CLICK HERE to listen to the podcast, dated 4/7/16

Most books I've read about grief were like road maps. What SARK has done with Glad No Matter What, is created a 3D Guide Map. Sure there are roads and signs with paths and directions, but there are also boundless opportunities to change the roads, meander off of them, carve out paths, roll down hills, conquer mountains, discover cozy caverns and build bridges. She understands grief and more importantly, the benefits that can come from feeling the feelings, embracing self-care, listening to your Inner Wise Self and allowing your soul to become open to the gifts and opportunities that can come from loss - whatever they may be.

One of my favorite quotes from the book is, "I know now that this healing happens in spirals and layers and not in steps like a ladder."

Too often, we find ourselves "expected" to heal, get over or find closure in grief within a certain time frame and by an assumed set of steps. Like the anonymous old man's "shipwreck" analogy, (referenced one of my prior posts), grief is always with you. It's force, presence and influence may alter and shift, but usually without warning. The transformative work provided in SARK's book does not remove, diminish, replace or avoid the grief - in fact, the book has you bring the grief in and essentially place it lovingly on your lap where it can be seen, felt and acknowledged.

The other important element I want to note is that SARK also valiantly points out and includes grief and loss in all forms - life changes, breakups/divorce, pet loss as well as human and more. There are so many events or circumstances that can lead to grief and loss that aren't normally talked about or accepted in society. For instance, as a mother, I profoundly grieved the end of breastfeeding my youngest child - though I didn't realize what I was feeling at the time because "grief" wasn't something I ever associated with anything other than death before.

Are we ready for love? SARK and John certainly were, and lucky for us all, they shared their wisdom.

Together, Sark and Dr. John wrote Succulent Wild Love - a weaved tapestry of core teachings from each of their lives and past love experiences to center the book around The Six Powerful Habits of People in Succulent Wild Relationships:

They listen to their relationship mentor inside them - their Inner Wise Self, Higher Self, Holy Spirit - and take action.
They use their feelings both as a guide to know when the relationship is off track and to constructively evoke cooperation from others.
They recognize inner critics and other negative dialogue in their head and don't put this criticism on their partner - or themselves.
They respect their own and their partner's boundaries.
They create "Joyfull Solutions" where no one needs to compromise or sacrifice.
They practice seeing the perfection in their partner and all the other people they're in relationships with.

This book resonated with me as a completely customizable guide to achieving unconditional love in any type of relationship(s) that are most significant in your life. "We all want to give and receive love without reservation, but few of us have learned how to do this on a consistent basis," write SARK and Dr. John. Regardless of spouse, partner, close friend, family member, these habits practiced can add foundation and meaningfulness to any relationships that are significant, but maybe weren't functioning at full love capacity. In my career, NOT doing relationship work like this on important relationships are some of the biggest regrets I see impacting grief. We are blessed with the core people in our lives - why not make the most out of our love?

On the day after submitting this book to the publisher, John was diagnosed with non-operable stage IV colon cancer. Having found Great Love and then ushered in front of Impending Grief within three short years, SARK and John turned to each other, and allowed the Six Powerful Habits they had just shared with the world to further strengthen their love. They even continued sharing throughout his treatments, on planetsark.com and with interviews. I urge you to listen to this podcast on Inspire Nation with host, Michael Sandler. It is such a joy to hear them talk about when they first met! Plus, you will hear John's explanation of his mindset with his cancer - as only he can explain it. What I will reiterate is that he expressed his belief that he would "come out of cancer whole"

Dr. John Waddell passed away in SARK's loving arms just one month ago. The fact that she is still able to be a beacon of light, radiating her energy and sharing her experiences in the midst of her grief is a testament to me of the love that was - and will always be - shared between her and John. Their individual whole-ness made them ready to find and love each other. Their Succulent Union allowed them each to remain whole by not having to sacrifice any part of themselves. This maintained whole-ness fueled the love even more. Of course SARK is still being a beacon - she's overflowing with love and John wouldn't have it any other way. Right now, in my heart of hearts, I know that wherever John is, he is indeed whole and dancing.

Please visit PlanetSARK.com for amazing resources, information and inspiration.

Call the Inspiration Line anytime at (415) 546-3742 **I have it on speed dial - always lifts my spirits!**

Upcoming episodes:

April 14th - Funeral Director's Round Table #2: My guests will be three amazing male funeral directors - I'll be outnumbered this time!!

April 28th - Laura Eaton, President of the newly formed Nelly Strong Foundation, Inc. will be discussing all of the incredible events coming our way to bring this community together while providing natural and alternative remedies for those in need.

May 5th - I'll get Morbidly Legal with Atty. Steven Sabra

Tickets are still available for Havens Healing Hands Comedy Night Fundraiser. Please consider attending or donating to this worthy cause - 100% of proceeds helping provide Vitamin C IV Treatments to those with pediatric cancer. Anyone interested in donating items for the raffle, please message me. https://www.facebook.com/events/181381172236601/

The Silva Lining would like to thank our wonderful sponsor,

April 1, 2016

The Wall of Awkwardness, Pressure and Stigma That Surrounds Grief

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

On this week's episode of The Silva Lining, I was joined by one of my favorite guests on the topic of grief, Deanna Upchurch, Grief and Volunteer Programs Specialist at Hope Hospice & Palliative Care Rhode Island, formerly known as Home & Hospice Care Of Rhode Island. Along with an exceptionally trained and compassionate team of grief counselors and volunteer facilitators, Deanna and Hope Hospice will be expanding their areas of support between Providence, RI and Southeastern MA. To find out more about Hope Hospice and the multiple support groups they already offer please visit their website and CLICK HERE for the support groups schedule.

As a person who has experienced loss, how many times have you:

Felt pressured to come up with ways that all of the countless people offering help/support can help you?
Felt like you couldn't say no to engaging in situations you may have not been comfortable with, but were told you should do?
Been told how you should or shouldn't be feeling or coping with your grief?
Found yourself in a conversation where acknowledgement of your deceased love one is specifically avoided?
Felt that you've needed support but didn't know who to call or what to say, so didn't call anyone at all?

As a person supporting someone that has experienced a loss, how many times have you:

Not felt you had the right words to express your sympathy, love, willingness to support and instead chose to say something cliche, or avoided contact altogether?
Have wanted or expressed offers of support at the funeral but were unsure if it was okay to reach out to the bereaved in the weeks/months that followed?
Wondered in social settings about mentioning the deceased around the bereaved, assuming bringing up the person would upset the bereaved - so chose not to?

All of these very relatable, well-intentioned and highly common societal elements exist because of a wall of awkwardness, pressure and stigma that surrounds grief. The only way to bring down this wall is through education and communication. The more our society is educated about grief, perceptions will expand, minds will open, expectations will be erased and this will all lead to better communication between the bereaved and support networks. That is how the wall will come down.

Grief is not black and white, formulaic or measurable. It is as unique and complex as the individuals we are, the relationships we have and the capacities of love we feel. There can be no room for judgement in grief. Just acknowledgement, respect, understanding, love and support.

CLICK HERE to listen to the podcast dated 3/31/16

Deanna and I had an extensive conversation on these topics, initially sparked by an interesting list that she came across on Facebook (author unknown):

The 5 types of people responding to a friend after a death. Which one are you?

The comforters - these beautiful people are warm and tender. They look into my eyes and see my tears, and they seem to know intuitively what I need. They can articulate how they feel, and recognize my never-ending pain, and sometimes they don't need to say anything at all because their body language is obvious. They hug and they squeeze my hand as required. They're not afraid of their emotions and tears, or of mine. They make it clear how much they care about me and how much they also miss my loved one. They are, unfortunately, so rare.

The try hards - they have their heart in the right place, but they don't know what to say or how to be. I totally understand because I don't know how to be either. They fumble and stumble with words, but their presence is noted and their love is felt.

The fixers - these people are going to 'cure' my grief! They tell me that 'time will heal', to 'keep my chin up', to read this book, to go to church, to see another therapist, to be positive.....but have they ever lost anyone? Probably not.

The drama addicts - these people were once friends, lost through the passage of time and moving cities etc. They came out of the woodwork as soon as they heard my loved one was in ICU. They emailed, sent texts and were wanting to know the details of my 'crisis', and how on earth I was coping. Then after the funeral, they disappeared again.

The avoiders - they literally turn the other way at social gatherings, or in the shopping centre. They have absolutely no ability to communicate, although they did send a card or flowers at the start. And if by chance they do interact, there is no mention of what has happened. It's like my loved one never existed. These people are good to hang out with on days when you are trying to move forward and pretend it never happened yourself!

What I found really interesting about this list is that we can take on many of these different roles for people in our lives depending on the situation and relationships that we have. Also, I am already taking inventory of my support network and know who I tend to reach out to in certain situations.

One answer I have for breaking down the wall is by embracing PERMISSION. Maybe the bereaved can give themselves permission to think about what they need and ask for it - especially when someone offers to help. Permission to say no when they feel like they are "expected" to say yes. Permission to express how they feel or don't feel. Permission to grieve the way they need to.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, nationally known author, educator and grief counselor wrote this Mourner's Bill of Rights that you can read by clicking HERE.

Supporters can give themselves permission too! Permission to announce, acknowledge, even offer the specific type of support that they are willing to provide. Permission to honestly say what they are feeling - even if it doesn't seem to be the "normal" things they should say. Permission to ask the bereaved about things they feel unsure or awkward about talking about.

The good news is that there is hope. Support and resources about grief are more available and carry a broader perspective than ever before. The wall can come down. We can all help each other because the groundwork is in place. At the center of everything is love. All of the awkwardness, pressure and stigma on both sides of the wall stands on a foundation of love and good intentions. We just need to open our minds, communicate and move forward.

Upcoming Events:

A Community Conversation - Weaving A Tapestry; Tuesday, April 5th @ 7:00 PM at Blessed Trinity Church, 1340 Plymouth Ave., Fall River, MA 02721 coordinated by The Fall River Suicide Prevention Task Force and sponsored by The Fall River Herald News; all are welcome to attend this discussion about prevention, resources and supports for those impacted by suicide.

The Silva Lining would like to thank our wonderful sponsor,