October 30, 2015

The Cowboy Funeral

When most people think about pre-planning their funeral, the most common reason for doing so is to remove the financial burden from their family members. Pre-planning your funeral, whether financially, non-funded, having a conversation about your wishes with your family or simply thinking about how you want to be remembered does so much more. It lifts the emotional burden from your family and sets the tone for your funeral by injecting your personality into elements that your family, upon your death, might not have the time or mental capacity within their grief, to carry out.

My guest on this week's episode of The Silva Lining is the perfect example of someone who had an idea of how he wanted his funeral to be and found a funeral director willing to make it happen.

Leo Jarvais called me a year ago looking for a funeral home that would allow him to have a "cowboy/saloon style" funeral with his homemade wooden casket standing up against the wall. Open. With him in it. Wearing sunglasses, a pink shirt that says, "goodbye", jeans and fuzzy pink booties. My interest and curiosity were immediately peaked and I had him come in and talk to me about logistics.

I implore you to listen to Leo's story in his own words on the podcast. His ideas and inspirations came from a mixture of his own personality, feelings about funerals, sense of humor and was all sparked by his woodworking hobby. What I commend him for is realizing his idea and never giving up on it - no matter how many people (including funeral directors) told him it couldn't be done. Here is a picture of the casket he made out of solid oak and with complete wood/peg construction - not a single metal screw or nail was used.

Check back here in a few weeks because Leo told me he will share the picture of him in the casket with all of the clothes he plans on wearing when the day comes!

So listeners, take from this show the notion that any idea, big or small, can be done in some way or form. All it takes is a conversation. The most important conversation is with your family - because no pre-arrangements are worth making if your family doesn't know about it. Secondly, your funeral director knows the parameters of legalities, safety and logistics that need to be met and holds the creative "key" to pull your ideas into fruition.

Not ready to sit in a funeral home and talk? I'm always just an email away at amy@thesilvalining.org

I'd love to hear from you and help in any way I can.

The Silva Lining is thankful for our wonderful sponsor:

St. Anthony of Padua Credit Union - We are proud to be sponsored by such an incredible bank, that in an age of conglomerate banks treating people like numbers, maintains a relationship with its members based on trust, friendly service and loyalty. With competitive rates for savings accounts and various loans, St. Anthony of Padua can handle all of your financial needs. Convenient online banking and more information at www.stanthonyofpaduafcu.com

October 25, 2015

Trusted Friend, Advocate, Concierge: Redefining the Role of a Funeral Director

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

For 6 years now, my husband has been proudly wearing a pin on his jacket that says, "I Love My Funeral Director". Mostly, he enjoys the reactions and the double takes he gets from people and always has his line ready, "I have to love mine - she's my wife". But the comment he hears most is that people say that they don't even know their funeral director or have never even met one.

Part of why I do this show, beyond educating about this industry in general, is to share the things that I love about being part of it. One of the things I love most is meeting, working with and getting to know other funeral directors. I love hearing the different reasons people were "called" to this business and learning different ways things are done. We are all such unique characters but we share a common thread. We are amazingly passionate, caring, creative, and relatable people. If you find yourself at a party with a funeral director, I promise you'll find some remarkable conversation.

On this week's episode of The Silva Lining, I brought together my first "Funeral Director Round Table" and was honored to have gathered three wonderful local funeral directors for some great conversation. We talked about the reasons we each got into the business, (my "calling" was shared back in my first show HERE), ways that we as funeral directors actually work together and see ourselves as colleagues rather than competitors, some ways we've noticed changes in the industry and our thoughts on redefining what it is that we do.

My guests were Deborah Almeida, 2nd generation funeral director at A.F. Almeida Funeral Home in Fall River and Pocasset-Memorial Funeral Home in Tiverton,RI. Kim Smith is a Senior Service Counselor and Managing Director of Advanced Planning for the Waring-Sullivan Homes of Memorial Tribute serving Southeastern Massachusetts and Rhode Island. Michael Roberts, Funeral Director at Hathaway Family Funeral Homes in Fall River, Somerset, Taunton, New Bedford, Fairhaven and Attleboro.

This show is definitely worth a listen. Some changes are evident by just reading the roster. If you told my grandfather that his granddaughter would simply be a funeral director in a room with two female funeral directors and one male funeral director he just wouldn't have believed it. The discussion also led us to how we feel our roles should be redefined. We strive with every ounce of our being, fueled by incredible teams of staff supporting us, to become that trusted friend, advocate and concierge to each and every family we serve in their time of need.

So do you know your funeral director? I say, introduce yourself. Come across one, spark a conversation and ask them why the came into the business, ask them about the most unique service they've planned. Look around at your next community event and notice the support that comes from funeral directors that may not be standing out in black suits on a golf course, city park clean up, or 5k fundraiser.

You may just find that you love you funeral director too.

The Silva Lining is thankful for our wonderful sponsor:

October 14, 2015

Where Do I Start? Organization is the Answer.

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

A sudden, tragic death in the family. The numbing, stressful, overwhelming week of funeral planning and grief follows. Just as you catch your breath the phone call comes. It's the deceased's landlord - you have a week to vacate the apartment...

The matriarch of your family, a proud and loving widow that has spent years clinging to her independence and infinite power of effortlessly bringing the family together, is showing signs of dementia. Her house is a museum of family history combined with years of random belongings left behind by various beloved family members that have lived there. Somehow, this five bedroom house needs to be downsized in preparation for assisted living...

Your spouse has a sudden accident that renders him paralyzed. After spending months helping him through rehab, he is almost ready to come home. Home? Is the house wheelchair accessible and ready for him?...

After months of courageous battling with cancer, the doctor starts talking about comfort options and plans are set for home hospice. Is the house ready for the hospital bed in a peaceful, yet accessible place for all of the visiting nurses and loved ones that will be coming by?...

All of these situations lead to the question, "Where do I start?". Looking at the whole house, the entire project, all of the clutter - it's overwhelming. There are people to call and there is great advice out there as well. Either way, the goal is to make an action plan, work out a time frame and simplify, simplify, simplify. In each situation, the best benefit is organization.

My guest on This week's episode of The Silva Lining was Christopher Graham, Professional Organizer and Proprietor of Around The Clock Organizing.

We covered so much in the podcast about the benefits of organizing, ways to simplify and even ways to prepare that can even include the family and promote bonding (and probably some hilarious stories) over holiday/family gatherings.

I would truly be doing the podcast an injustice by writing out everything we talked about, so I urge you to listen to it. But I will say this. Getting help, wether hiring help or through researched advice, organizing is the way to go. It takes away that feeling of trepidation as you prepare to move a mountain and replacing it with attainable goals, the mountain gets moved brick by brick - and with a lot less stress.

The bonuses are the "treasures" you will come across. To some, it will be memorabilia, to others, collectible items, vintage clothing, antique/heirloom furniture. With downsizing, especially when the family member that is being transitioned is involved (and already anxious about it) the shared goal of finding those most special items that will be chosen to surround her in her new living space will become extra special to her and everyone that visits.

For more information about Chris and Organizing "Around The Clock" Call (774) 955-0699

The Silva Lining is thankful for our wonderful sponsor:

October 5, 2015

Death: A Private Matter In A Public Forum

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

Batman led me to this week's topic on The Silva Lining.

I am a mother of 4 year old twin boys who are obsessed with Batman and Robin. As most parents can attest to, your kids' obsessions become your own. Needless to say, anything about Batman peaks my interest. So earlier this year, I found a documentary on Netflix called Legends of the Knight, about people who are embracing the essence of Batman in different ways. This documentary introduced me to Leonard B. Robinson - The Route 29 Batman.

A viral video of him getting pulled over in his Batmobile, in full costume, brought him internet fame, but his "mission" is what's truly remarkable. This man spent years and thousands of dollars visiting children's hospitals spreading joy and hope to every child he met. He would bring these sick children comic books and toys and tell them, "Do Batman a favor and get better". I was so moved by what this man did and couldn't wait to share his accomplishments with my little dynamic duo, hoping to inspire them to find their own mission.

This past August, I saw an article on The Washington Post that the Route 29 Batman had died. My heart literally stopped. I read article after article in disbelief - it couldn't be true. He had left a hospital, visiting children, one evening, still in costume, and his Batmobile broke down. He pulled over to check the engine and his car was struck by a passing car. My heart broke for his family and for all of the people whose lives he had touched. I couldn't stop crying for this horribly tragic loss. I didn't know him, but I felt that gut wrenching pain.

It made me think of the whole public dynamic of death. I'm so grateful that the way the world is now connects us all in ways it never could before. There may be lots of negativity and gossip on the news and media, but strung within it all is beauty, inspiration, stories of strength, perseverance, creativity and love. Celebrities whose art and passion have woven themselves into specific parts of our lives and helped us become who we are. When people like this die - we grieve. We may not have known them personally, but we do grieve.

The difference between the nation that mourned Abraham Lincoln and the world that mourned Robin Williams is that we can engage. We have a forum. We can share how we feel, how we were touched, how we will remember. When we share, it is impossible to know how many people are reached and comforted and inspired to share themselves. I like to think that even the closest family members are reached, when they are ready to take it all in, because we've put it all out there for whenever they are ready to see it.

I also talked about a forum post that was highlighted recently on tickld.com. It was from about 4 years ago on Reddit (a forum type website that is like an online bulletin board) where someone simply posted, "My friend just died. I don't know what to do.". This man replied and I swear to you, it is the best grief advice I have ever read in my life. His username is GSnow, and if you are out there, I commend you, for your words - meant to comfort one person, reaching out for help in a time of need - have helped countless people. Here is his reply:

"I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not.

I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents...

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

So post, share, reach out, connect. There is beauty to be found and harnessed amidst all the chaos, negativity and gossip on the internet.

Whether family, celebrity, stranger or friend, your condolences could provide comfort, your advice could offer guidance, your story could spread awareness and help those that thought they were alone.

The Silva Lining is thankful for our wonderful sponsor: